happy new life

Vonnegut

Julian Castle Agrees with Newt 76
that Everything is Meaningless

Julian Castle and Angela went to Newt's painting. Castle made a pinhole of a curled index finger, squinted at the painting through it.
"What do you think of it?" I asked him.
"It's black. What is it--hell?"
"It means whatever it means," said Newt.
"Then it's hell," snarled Castle.
"I was told a moment ago that it's a cat's cradle," I said.
"Inside information always helps," said Castle.
"I don't think it's very nice," Angela complained. "I think it's ugly, but I don't know anything about modern art. Sometimes I wish Newt would take some lessons, so he could know for sure if he was doing something or not."
"Self-taught, are you?" Julian Castle asked Newt.
"Isn't everybody?" Newt inquired.
"Very good anwer." Castle was respectful.
I undertook to explain the deeper significance of the cat's cradle, since Newt seemed disinclined to go through the song and dance again.
And Castle nodded sagely. "So this is a picture of the meaningless of it all! I couldn't agree more."
"Do you really agree?" I asked. "A minute ago you said something about Jesus."
"Who?" said Castle.
"Jesus Christ?"
"Oh," said Castle. "Him." He shrugged. "People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order, so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say."
"I see." I knew I wasn't going to have an easy time writing a popular article about him. I was going to have to concentrate on his saintly deeds and ignore entirely the satanic things he thought and said.
"You may quote me:" he said. "Man is vile, and man makes nothing worth making, knows nothing worth knowing."
He leaned down and he shook little Newt's painty hand. "Right?"
Newt nodded, seeming to suspect momentarily that the case had been a little overstated. "Right."
And then the saint marched to Newt's painting and took it from the easel. He beamed at us all. "Garbage--like everything else."
And he threw the painting off the cantilevered terrace. It sailed out on an updraft, stalled, boomeranged back, sliced into the waterfall.
There was nothing little Newt could say.
Angela spoke first. "You've got paint all over your face, honey. Go wash it off."

to love

and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. -d. viscott

part redeux

merry

i love u so much it's retarded

down syndrome falling down falling falling drawing blank pages. scratch put the nina on the record. down by the pool, in the hot tub, in the wintertime. we rolled. we ran. we raced. we raved. we came. we sought. we are.
down by the place we used to be.
up and down the hills.
down by the river we never went to. scratch. spin. spun. spit.
slobber your kiss killed me. don't know how i'm still breathing. blinking. seeing. chromosome copy twenty-two, three, four, five, six, almost lost track of time flies. buzz. you slapped my thighs, and i liked it almost too much. you pushed me aside, i'll never forget the pain inside. coming from a dark place, the light will never know how good it feels to shine. how good it feels to quietly say i told you so. inside. it's all a lie. your roommate's shirt looked better on you. reddish-orange. passion. losers. close your eyes, that'll be the day. that'll be the time you get back home. it's the longest road, when you've lost sight of the beginning. turning circles. turning blank pages. blanket, pillow cases of queens of ringworms and fries. it's all a lie, but i have to tell you. i have to tell you. o the joy.
hail the king. long live the prince of popcorn. cranberry. pumpkin spice. everything nice, boy. strawberry surrender, aphrodisiac. damn do i have a secret weapon, if i can only get my hands on it. turning pages, double spaced, triple. praying for equality, simplicity, she says. keep it simple. he said it first, maybe. i don't know anymore. first son on the moon.
it's easy, he said, just follow me. you'll see.
_ 2 _ _ _
one really is the lonelinest#trust me.

some hotels

skip #13 when numbering rooms.

retractable

ho's and banjos. plainly compared to their mac make-ups. closeted concentrated cup sizes. designer drugs. skinny jeans, skinny thighs, gym junkie taking flight. fancy plates of fancy fun, drinking, dancing, prancing. strapless bras, strapless lives. sleeping, breathing for the same day and nite. hair and make-up repeating. valet. ballet. Barbie. Ken. spitting fit image can't turn away, just a phase. hair turns grey. as life. in black &white. rose tinted glasses half full. candy dreams are happier behind the scenes, until the movie ends and the characters leave the stage.
alcoholic cough drops. no hang over, skydiving into heaven, i've seen enough, he said. enough decisions.
slowly taking baby turns to corner herself behind the scenes of the scene.
&life is supposedly:
star studded pencil sharpened { dog ears > habitually marked up mechanical picture frame punctuations;;sloppy tye dyed lip~liner smeared
on a passed out page.

December

frail fingertips xylophone dream of a dream. transgressing transitions. damnit. damn hamper. Wicker Wooden Windmills. Damnit God. Take it away, don't give it back. I don't want the gifts anymore. Sometimes.
Heartbeatz sound louder than goodbye. Sometimes.
I sleep when it's all folded: neatly, in order, color coordinated, consolidated: in my mind. clean dishes, floors, refrigerator, microwave. aluminum foil. Cover me, I'll fuck every last one of 'em.
Monochromatic, analogous, complementary elementary baseball field. Flashing fourth graders, fucking with wide eyes, open mouths. Sucking on jawbreakers. Poisoned horny toads. Fuck that. i'll give you a show.
shortest road to everywhere. Oldest $tree. Double-sided tape for the poster you never made. Childless nonsense. Exercise minus breathing. Cover me, I'm cold again. Cover me, I'm old again. Clear, coastal, coasters. SoBe it.
Forever wanting prettier, stronger, wittier. Forever waiting, forever wanting. Forever wanting to not want. Not wanting forever in case it's longer in the end. Rewriting age--one thought at a thoughtless time. Like a mime. Nevermind.
Cracked out snowman, crocheted and cracked out. Noseless. Red smile. Cracked out eyes. Cracks in her fingernails.
Frail, forgetful, famously fucked up. Have you seen the corn cob pipe?
Technological snowman. Cover me. I'll show him the shortest road before he melts. transmigration transition. Cover me mutherfucka
i'm so damn cold

juz

tryin'a be me in a world fulla wannabes
play on playette

it's

not worth
the comedown
headache
delirium
pain
forgetting
forgetting
fading
away
it's not worth
your fist
drunken face
sexual disgrace
wasted space
it's not worth
remembering
how
worthless
you are
to
me
anymore.

glue

intercepted
by a single question
faceless frowns
shown a happier side
fourth dimension
down the ladder
deconstruction paper
picking their brains
first kiss in the rain
gay boy in the doghouse
happy
happy
happier
best

facing the fear
growing at the rate
of you + me

Things to Do:

growing painz

heartbeatz papercutz koo klutz cigarette buttz
20 seconds 2 venus
who's coming with me?
nobody answered at 911
whoa
letz go

green is not your enemy
any
more
trees 4 free

firecrackerz
on a
cross

good, Lord (tell me when it's over)

mmmm

vodka &spaghetti.

Forlorn

rewriting reworking overdoing overtime of myself in a different mind. inner peace is more than a myth more than all the different words for one meaning. true leader of the outskirts of Arizona. Corona just passing thru out the course of one plus equals a sum of two. everytime i see two-fourteen i fucking think of you. one word: two. hearing what i see. talking in circles frozen foods are good accept as is tears of unrequited joy bell boy bus boy busy as a dead bee. windowsill it's stuck still buzzing on what could've been. it might still be, but that road is on the down low. i've done enough damage for one the one and only meaning for the word, me. words are only words, that's it. that's that. that's the thing you asked me to do that i forgot. i'm forgetting that i'm probably forgotten by you. you pronounced my name wrong and got pulled over in the morning. i cursed you in my bath. i fed myself another line of white lies. you saw my cries, your broken ears exercised remaining plan b to z. the distance.
kills.
speed is slow in relation to time zones.
my phone is disconnected
to you.
i'm disconnected
communication
is the key
to the balance
delicacy is my fucked up existence
from the loss of you.

those tears fall from a deeper woman now.,
a deeper point of view.
i see that i want to see the truth.

o how i love

sleeping pills, magic thrills, gritty bipolar clam chowder and tea. b &w obsolete sheets, dirty socks and missing chromosome pleats. don't dream of flowers in bloom can't find 'em, doing what i can't ALAS i am beaming overcoming the threatening disease.
end of the beginning
life begins
dreams aren't as they seem,
apparently. obviously so.
how i got here idk. everything is just as it should be, accordian to me. scattered numbers, forgotten faces, pumpkins, popcorn, the Cranberries~his darkest secret was given to me. avenging my will, revenge on the death of my unnecessary success. obsessed with a clock that refuses to hold my so/m>ber hand. pale september. i remember a broken spirit renewed. rewind bittersweet neverending dreams with no meaning if i choose to accept refuse confusedin its entirety. footnote header backwards
up
down it's up to me
losing living the life of restless peace. wandering releasing forever piecing eternally missing piece by pieces i never needed anyway. i never needed it. i never never never ne
vertically waiting
shrinking
what seems to be is
only a dream.
sigh*

it's all a blur when you forget to breathe.

nondoing

"The more people do, the more society develops, the more problems arise. The increasing desolation of the nature, the exhaustion of resources, the uneasiness and disintegration of the human spirit, all have been brought about by humanity's trying to accomplish something. Originally there was no reason to progress, and nothing that had to be done. We have come to the point at which there is no other way than to bring about a "movement" not to bring anything about."

"Why do you have to develop? If economic growth rises from 5% to 10%, is happiness going to double? What's wrong with a growth rate of 0%? Isn't this a rather stable kind of economics? Could there be anything better than living simply and taking it easy?" -Masanobu Fukuoka

think

originality without wondering how, why. think time span short. why u always wonder way past the young(er) girl you were. rethink repair but not beyond the destiny path. think new, not brand. you are what thinking longs to do. like love you've made it through possibility of means by mean. they're waiting. they're waiting. you're waiting for their waiting. the wait continues to be continued. the wait is longer and longer the shorter it is. you are what waiting longs to be. the breakthrough is beyond repair. compare: rethink the sun and the moon. the fucking haiku. seven five seven means everything but blue. easy to be anything but the things the thoughts the way to Heaven is through the off-white gate but security won't let you through, fuck you, too. i know what i don't i'll never know you i'll never know what i put you throughout this time is but an empty suitcase. it's sense spelled in every sense of the senseless words within. originality is ordinarily imaginary, (surprisingly, i guess.)
?you, what's it to

trip stupid happy zombee

what a wasted girl. wasting the ink, wasting the water. wasting her precious time everywhere she makes her presence known. wasted days turn to years but she's the only one you can't turn down, can't turn wasted girl away. she's too pretty. you can't say no. what a wasted girl finding a new wasted balance, song by song. no love songs, no songs to remind her of the waste. the wasted boys, wasted games. don't waste it with a silly love song, she says. can't you see i'm already wasted? she's wasted from head to soul, hating and loving all the same. 11/17 11:26pm

-

i'm inspired when i'm tired but i'm too tired to write it the way i'd like to i'm just trying to keep my eyes on my own paper this time. i'm a poser and i kno it but i propose we make a toast;) i forget the details or they forget me i forget i forgot it's ok. i wonder what's it's like to be a crayon do they wonder what their color means? is it easier to be their own color or another? they're the same size to begin with, do they get jealous arrogant proud do they hate/love respect turn their backs. stand fall? are they handled with care, pushed down thrown around brushed off crushed just like us? are they rare and cherished? new/old buried and forgotten stolen slaughtered fathered, eaten beaten starved to death. treated tasted wasted dyed favored, savored harbored do they melt break cuss drown frown unravel behave rave starve marvel do they cry? talk to each other, talk it out, run away? get lost? lol do they die? survive? submit? repent? laugh their heads off change stay the same disappear so many unanswered ?s one might say it's easier to care than pretend or not and some might see it another way it's ok. it doesn't matter the size or color or shape or way. what u think. is. put it back in the box where it goes or not just as it should be.

-

imagine

ipod
ihop
ithink
irun
isway
ipray
ineed
iwant
igreen
iwant
ipod
icar
ilove
ihate

all the music

sounds the same to me
when your christmas tree
was big
then small
then empty
then gone
order, chaos, change,
r)evolve
it all sounds the same
to me

it's 2:53

i have nowhere to be
racing the clock
from bottom to
top
the wheels turn the
hands
the hands
type the
keys
like an out of
tune hummingbird
like the
runt
of the
grapevine
life awaits within the next
minute or two
tick
tick

sohelpmeGod

blue pill

Ruby Clarity
She’s back in the game
The life she once knew
Has gone down the drain.
Run, run, run catch up
With the sun. She only
Shines when she feels
Like it. Time to shine
This little light of mine.
It grows, and grows, and
Grows and the whole thing
Will seem like it was only a dream.
The rabbit hole is only as
Deep as we let it go. Today
Will be yesterday,
Tomorrow I heard her say.
Why is it so hard to
Say I’m sorry? Why is it
So hard? Why do these
Questions propose further ?s
I told you before and I’ll tell
You again. Any friend of
Yours is mine, Valentine.
Giselle, Rodney, Cole and friends,
This is where life begins. Amen

panda

keep us together by amy sol

November 1, 2008 2am

halfway
i woke up in the middle of the night feeling rather disillusioned. the nightmare ended with me flying over a seemingly infinite chainlink gate and falling to the ground without a single scratch. this angered my father and i believe that was the point my eyelids flickered open. it took me a minute to realize the time was much earlier than expected. i hurried into the kitchen in hunger and made a sandwich. as i applied the condiments, a tiny cockroach scurried across the countertop. disgusted, but not enough to kill, i carried the sandwich to my bedroom in total darkness where i immediately scarfed it down. i didn't want to spill jelly anywhere and i was apparently starving. i walked over to my desk and gulped the remainder of the apple juice i'd poured at bedtime.
then i regressed; but only for a moment.
then i continued to harass myself with the same worries that consistenly haunt me to do so. i ached for a better life, free from distress and confusion. i wondered why it took a nightmare to open my eyes, why my head couldn't be this clear before; how the future of the world could seem so foreign. i wondered and wondered. then i settled and lay back down to sleep until something more substantial came my way.

damn

so i finally finished typing all that shit. my hands are tired, i'm tired &i'm going to bed. major rewrite on the way, y'all.

a muse ing

condition serious, but stable. doctor's note. two to three gallons of paint later. tearsheets, i wish you knew how much i wish that you were here with me. broken bones, hormones. computer freeze jaws of life. candy cane, window pane. back to zero gravity again. plan to party without me. allergies, strawberries. sex maniac, take that. against the grain, totally insane, without shame. i can't believe he came here. too hard to tame, put your condom away, i can't believe he came here. Red, Red, Red lips, Red shirt, Red eyes, Red mind, Red bed instead i'm Dr. Sue to you. put that in your crack pipe &smoke it ho ho ho go fuck yourself. who's gonna save you this time? oh, and drive me home.

HEY

PRETTY

oh no

you don't understand, this is an Alaïa.

an a-what-a?

it's like a totally important designer.

and I will totally shoot you in the head. get down! alright, um, count to a hundred. thank you.

one, two. . .

this

is way me last night.

the

other day i went to 12 places. happysadhappysad

so on.

knockout

ideas about love, royal blue, quiet intercourse two happy days together, simultaneously spun. millions of colors, poems about his face. laced with disappointment. we went to the park. i waited while he went to the porter potty. his mouth dissolved my daydreams. bath cube, i can't remember his hands. i think. never in mine in my memory bank. my goldfish died, but i forgive him. we stood by the ocean that night, i was too tired to kiss him. i broke his heart. selfish somber, so sullen. i was just a girl. he broke me, half &half. peculiar pet names, baby talk. petrified pacifier, she introduced me. my stomach turned with excitement, ecstasy sent me through God. i love misery. misery loves me. cloudy curiosity nine means the end.

last year

followed by secret musings of a maniac.
i'm thinkin', falling out, falling off. it's not what you think. yesterday was the coldest day of the year. so far. colder, older, smolder. growing bolder. take everything home but the folder. tell the children god is love. tell them they can be anything. don't tell them about the cold weather. keep them warm. keep them safe. sugar &caffeine. glossy magazine. getting warmer. still born brand new napkin holders. set the table, honey, guests are arriving. departure time. delay, relay watch out for that obstacle course. blue ribbon with honors. she was a great teacher. she read books more than once. she put candy in my report card. we played hockey in the hallways. not really. he was younger than me. he really loved me. double meaning, angry cleaning. two missing pieces, hours of labor. disconnect. flipping force right-side up. malfunction. reduction. production. fan mail, it's hot in here. cold out there. i can't tell which way he went. final text, final remarks. do you get my drift yet? should i spell it out? forty jobs. forty knives. fourty cents. fortyseven. unbelievers. mass receivers. time. always time. einstein nearly lost his mind. don't waste. retract. unpack. fix a flat broke. drained, retained. two pillows &a suitcase. diet coke, please don't smoke. fire starter, don't litter. tell them not to quit. tell them what you will. i was vacating in paradise valley. it's her birthday.
threw me, pretty. how succinct, so succexy. breakthrough, flew to the other side. *checks pulse* still alive. you can stop sending flowers now. so weird, so young, so fashion forward. give me some pot. nothin' wrong with chiefin' nope. she's a fucking fiesta. tres leches confetti eye-shadow for everyone. so smart, smart ass. he changed his name again. forget, forget:)

rum &coke rules/red infinity

idk at exactly which point i am triggered, but i block it faster than it hits me &i'm back onto a natural curve. only i'm not going straight anymore. this continues. i've fallen in love over &over again, only to realize it was all a hoax. my heart was ripped out from underneath me; crushed like the last piñata of the party. only this is not a party anymore. happiness is not a choice. they lie. a good lie, nonetheless. there's nothing wrong with wanting to look attractive to someone else, it makes it better. but don't lie. i don't want to know the point of the trigger. i don't need to know. what we don't know won't kill us. hopefully.
ps. fuck you
yeah, you

two &a

half cigarettes &coffee. i gotta, just gotta. don't tell me the worst i ever had. i thought of something clever to say, but you were too far away, i just couldn't get out of bed. i don't want to, i gotta. the secrets i hold inside, does it show on the outside? he brushes his teeth in the living room, always in such a rush. cleaning up her mess, she figures out where to go. jimi hendrix, followed by her favorite seventies band. lip syncing, singing so loudly. hammering, stammering. i hate this disorder as much as his rapid change. my moving on has no counter balance. i was depending on something i never knew. he said, you're so afraid. i looked at the moon. my stomach aches, such an allergic reaction. lithium, you did what you had to, i'll follow you there. don't let me down, i beg. i'll do anything. maybe i am just another cliché, no one remembers their first day. maybe we are all the same. love can see. love lives for hate is blind. i can't stop this, i gotta. my head hurts, it's not the same. i woke up this morning. checked the voicemail. they just want my soul. i barely have enough for me. i wish they would just go away. can't they see? i'm stuck in my own box. help yourself, i tried to help you &you only want more. pity me for a moment. i couldn't finish it, flushed it, washed my hands, brushed my teeth in the living room. i simply gotta. coffee's getting cold.

he

was my everything.

i wish

he could have been there. i shouldn't have said it. life begins where the story ends. so much inspiration, so much lacking. so much left unsaid. i knew the second time, i wish i could've stopped it. i wish i know what i knew back then. writing lyrics backwards, writing lyrics for no one. writing things i don't understand. lyrics keep swirling around my head. the way she mixed drinks. pink. i wish he could have been there.

some

of my family. mom's side. that's my

mommy in the blue. ain't she cute?

xo k

solitary alignment

follow me into your dreams. take on a new task, like you need one. sinful solace, here i sit. make new memories, she said.

conversation before/in car

mom: you have a string hanging off of your sleeve.
me: i like it like that.
mom: just gives me a look.
me: i'm weird, but you like me.
brother: gives me another look.
mom: i like weird.
brother: weird is fun.
mom: i got some new cupholders.
me: you got some new cupholders?
mom: cupwarmers. they're USB. just plug it into your computer.
me: interesting.
mom: i thought it'd be a good stocking stuffer, so i bought two. surprise!
me/brother: probably both thinking similiar things.
********
brother: i like hot drinks
mom: i like cold drinks
********
me: i'm going on Prozac.
brother: i'm going off the reserve.
me: guess it's better than ice. you're going off the reserve?

lime green beauty queen

some things i like, there are things i want, there are things i can't have, there are things i don't like or want. there are things i look forward to, things i look back on, things i do back &forth. things i want to like, things i need, things i never want to see again in my entire life. but most of all there are things. just things.

(old poem)

waiting line

make me take me

around your world

show me how it feels

inspire me

ENTIRELY

you always do

judge me smudge me

i promise i won't mind

just tell me when it's my turn

slugabed

there is an annoying bug flying around me that i plan to squash a.s.a.p bc it seems it has been trapped in my bedroom for much too long. maybe i can shoo it out the window, i hate killing things. even little helpless bugs. my cat is locked up in the laundry room bc she was being a bad kitty &scratching at the carpet again. she has a scratchy toy that she refuses to use, but she will continue to be locked up with it until she realizes that this is the only thing she is allowed to scratch..my dr. told me (god, this bug is bugging me) that bed is for sleep &sex. i don't have a nightstand, so i try to be clever by wrapping my glass up in my bedspread..well, today i got a little ahead of myself &spilled my soymilk all over my laptop, bedspread, sheets, cell phone, self, &was like owell cleanliness is next to godliness, i guess. plus, it's laundry day anyway. &of course there's no use crying over spilt milk! so, now poor miss Nina is locked up all by herself with the scary washing machine &soymilk sheets..hopefully it will lull her into a deep trance &she will forget how to meow as much as she does. think i'll let her out now.

********

neither meowing nor scratching cease to persist.
but at least i have a bug friend.
and clean linens.
if you see my dr. don't tell her about me.

i lost

the last poem i wrote about you.
i don't care.
time leaves me no choice
but to move on.

sleep is on the wayyyy <3

my cousin is cool. i screamed my head off at the haunted house. i can't believe i fucking fell on the floor like three times. what a klutz. i'm sick sick sick

mess, i'm a

i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i'm a mess i can't sleep


but i know it's gonna be ok.