the

other day i went to 12 places. happysadhappysad

so on.

knockout

ideas about love, royal blue, quiet intercourse two happy days together, simultaneously spun. millions of colors, poems about his face. laced with disappointment. we went to the park. i waited while he went to the porter potty. his mouth dissolved my daydreams. bath cube, i can't remember his hands. i think. never in mine in my memory bank. my goldfish died, but i forgive him. we stood by the ocean that night, i was too tired to kiss him. i broke his heart. selfish somber, so sullen. i was just a girl. he broke me, half &half. peculiar pet names, baby talk. petrified pacifier, she introduced me. my stomach turned with excitement, ecstasy sent me through God. i love misery. misery loves me. cloudy curiosity nine means the end.

last year

followed by secret musings of a maniac.
i'm thinkin', falling out, falling off. it's not what you think. yesterday was the coldest day of the year. so far. colder, older, smolder. growing bolder. take everything home but the folder. tell the children god is love. tell them they can be anything. don't tell them about the cold weather. keep them warm. keep them safe. sugar &caffeine. glossy magazine. getting warmer. still born brand new napkin holders. set the table, honey, guests are arriving. departure time. delay, relay watch out for that obstacle course. blue ribbon with honors. she was a great teacher. she read books more than once. she put candy in my report card. we played hockey in the hallways. not really. he was younger than me. he really loved me. double meaning, angry cleaning. two missing pieces, hours of labor. disconnect. flipping force right-side up. malfunction. reduction. production. fan mail, it's hot in here. cold out there. i can't tell which way he went. final text, final remarks. do you get my drift yet? should i spell it out? forty jobs. forty knives. fourty cents. fortyseven. unbelievers. mass receivers. time. always time. einstein nearly lost his mind. don't waste. retract. unpack. fix a flat broke. drained, retained. two pillows &a suitcase. diet coke, please don't smoke. fire starter, don't litter. tell them not to quit. tell them what you will. i was vacating in paradise valley. it's her birthday.
threw me, pretty. how succinct, so succexy. breakthrough, flew to the other side. *checks pulse* still alive. you can stop sending flowers now. so weird, so young, so fashion forward. give me some pot. nothin' wrong with chiefin' nope. she's a fucking fiesta. tres leches confetti eye-shadow for everyone. so smart, smart ass. he changed his name again. forget, forget:)

rum &coke rules/red infinity

idk at exactly which point i am triggered, but i block it faster than it hits me &i'm back onto a natural curve. only i'm not going straight anymore. this continues. i've fallen in love over &over again, only to realize it was all a hoax. my heart was ripped out from underneath me; crushed like the last piñata of the party. only this is not a party anymore. happiness is not a choice. they lie. a good lie, nonetheless. there's nothing wrong with wanting to look attractive to someone else, it makes it better. but don't lie. i don't want to know the point of the trigger. i don't need to know. what we don't know won't kill us. hopefully.
ps. fuck you
yeah, you

two &a

half cigarettes &coffee. i gotta, just gotta. don't tell me the worst i ever had. i thought of something clever to say, but you were too far away, i just couldn't get out of bed. i don't want to, i gotta. the secrets i hold inside, does it show on the outside? he brushes his teeth in the living room, always in such a rush. cleaning up her mess, she figures out where to go. jimi hendrix, followed by her favorite seventies band. lip syncing, singing so loudly. hammering, stammering. i hate this disorder as much as his rapid change. my moving on has no counter balance. i was depending on something i never knew. he said, you're so afraid. i looked at the moon. my stomach aches, such an allergic reaction. lithium, you did what you had to, i'll follow you there. don't let me down, i beg. i'll do anything. maybe i am just another cliché, no one remembers their first day. maybe we are all the same. love can see. love lives for hate is blind. i can't stop this, i gotta. my head hurts, it's not the same. i woke up this morning. checked the voicemail. they just want my soul. i barely have enough for me. i wish they would just go away. can't they see? i'm stuck in my own box. help yourself, i tried to help you &you only want more. pity me for a moment. i couldn't finish it, flushed it, washed my hands, brushed my teeth in the living room. i simply gotta. coffee's getting cold.

he

was my everything.

i wish

he could have been there. i shouldn't have said it. life begins where the story ends. so much inspiration, so much lacking. so much left unsaid. i knew the second time, i wish i could've stopped it. i wish i know what i knew back then. writing lyrics backwards, writing lyrics for no one. writing things i don't understand. lyrics keep swirling around my head. the way she mixed drinks. pink. i wish he could have been there.